Harley P. Mathewson presidential campaign, 2012
From JUOD
Harley P. Mathewson presidential campaign 2012, commonly referred to as "2012 (no for the last time it's not that gay disaster movie)" is Mathewson's current effort to be elected president of the United States. He made an earlier bid in 2008, running under the fascist party. His current running mate is Carrie Prejean.
Mathewson's formal announcement occurred, controversially, outside Washington, D.C.'s Holocaust Museum. Later, Mathewson claimed he thought it was a monument to his favorite president, FDR.
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Funding
It is again expected to be funded in part from Mathewson's treasure, as well as significant donations through Mathewson's campaign group, The Immortal Leaders Forever PAC. Donations are expected from the Doomsday Group and KAFF Corporation, as well. It is rumored -- although not proved -- that quasi-fascist billionaires David and Charles Koch -- are also big donors.
On Prejean
Mathewson quickly announced Prejean as his running mate, saying he was "learning from the failures of past campaigns." When a reporter asked him what lessons he had learned, Mathewson said, "For super old dudes like me, it's getting some dumb, hot chick who hates gays to run along with you." When another reporter said, "But McCain/Palin lost," Mathewson quipped. "Ha, no I was talking about the FDR/Truman run in '44." Mathewson continued: "Besides, that was the last time a fascist candidate won the presidency."
Campaign
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Mathewson's campaign has already generated much controversy.
Aborted Early Campaign Materials
Mathewson's 2012 campaign got off to a rocky start. Mathewson, it is well known, abhors typing -- and so, instead, uses dictation software. Eschewing any sort public relations consultants, Mathewson went to work creating a variety of campaign materials. His campaign, he later claimed, was meant to be themed, "MATHEWSON: THE RIGHT STUFF." But because of some issues with his dictation software, a number of blog posts, internet ads, and billboards all contained a large poster of Mathewson (already standing in a blood red background) with the the tagline "MATHEWSON: THE REICH STUFF." As well, one campaign flyer, which Mathewson claimed was supposed to invite supporters to a rally, noted at its bottom there would be "FREE COOKIES AND JEWS." Pressed by reporters about whether he had any Nazi sympathies, Mathewson did himself no credit when he paused for thirty seconds before responding, "No, I guess not." This, combined with his campaign announcement outside the D.C. Holocaust Museum, has lead to protests claiming antisemitism.
Osama Bin Laden Killing
Scheduled to make a speech outside a bank on May 2, Mathewson used the opportunity to talk publicly of the killing of noted terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Mathewson gave no credit to President Obama, saying he could have easily killed the terrorist himself. "I could have just slipped something in his drink," Mathewson said dismissively. "Big freakin' deal." After a reporter asked him how he would have access to Bin Laden or what he was drinking, Mathewson panicked and quickly bubbled away from the scene, pointing up in the air and yelling, "TO ABBOTTABAD!"
Birth Certificate Scandal
Shortly after President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, Mathewson announced, "I will finally put an end to the controversy of my origins by releasing the doctored long-form version of my birth certificate... um, I mean, uh... I'll give it to you once it's been released by my doctor. Press conference over, Joiner AWAY!" He then hastily escaped in a bubble, knocking over at least two photographers. Three days later the document was sent to several publications, though it's authenticity was questionable. The section for place of birth had a line through the original entry (what appears to be Königsberg) and written above it, in what is thought to be blood, was Lenexa, KS. Skeptics also point to the watermark on the certificate that bears the coat of arms from the House of Hohenzollern.
Vampira Gates-Gate
Perhaps the most controversial issue during Mathewson's campaign, however, has come at the hands of his ex-wife Vampira Gates. Mathewson was married to Gates for only a short spell in early 2009, mostly, he claims, because he "was still drunk from the San Jose 2009 Summer Blood Drive." They divorced in 2010, Mathewson citing "irreconcilable differences...and that Vampira was totally a huge slutty whore." Consequently, after Mathewson's 2012 announcement, his short marriage -- and Gates' personal life -- have come under intense scrutiny. Gates herself, a PhD in psychology from Heidelberg University, runs a religious counseling practice ("Pray Satan and His Awful Warriors Away Foundation, or the PSHAW Away Foundation) for "vampires, ex-vampires and other paranormal individuals," insisting that such things as vampirism, lycanism, and other paranormal conditions "are merely psychological disfigurements" (her words) brought on by traumatic experiences or a lack of aligning oneself properly with Jesus. This has of course drawn great criticism from, among others, Damaskinos, Lord of Vampires, as well as the VCLU (Vampires Civil Liberties Union) and the WAAM Alliance (Wolfmen Are Also Men Alliance).
Gates also drawn controversy because of her own ambiguous status. Gates, who is approximately 6'5" tall, and has a large, dark black and silver beehive of hair (the late Amy Winehouse was said to be a relation), never travels during daylight, rarely eats, and, like Mathewson, was conspicuously absent from all of her wedding photos and all paparazzi shots. (She claims her first name was taken from an elder relative, as well.) Nevertheless, she adamantly denies being a vampire. Gates, who, like Mathewson, is prone to fits of rage and capriciousness, tried to dismiss the rumors by calling a recent press conference. During her statement, however, she coughed harshly, producing a viscous, red liquid into her hands. She first tried to explain it away, saying, "Don't worry everyone, it's just a bit of indigestion," but then retracted the statement, following it with: "I...ummm...I mean...it's cancer. I also want to announce today that I have cancer. Cancer of the...ummmmmm...vagina. Yeah. Vagina cancer." A reporter immediately followed up by asking her whether Mathewson's alleged affair with a KU undergraduate student occurred during their marriage, and whether he knew about the cancer at the time. "Oh yeah," Gates responded. "Most definitely. He knew all about my breast...I mean, vagina, cancer, that whole time. That's why I divorced him."
