New Canadianese

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New Candianese is a language invented by Harley P. Mathewson, most likely sometime during his time with J.R.R. Tolkien at Oxford. Since, presumably, few actually speak the language (or, as Mathewson claims, there are only few on the planet "without feeble minds"), its definitive structure is unknown.


There are some definitive known rules of the language, however, which have mostly been culled from performances of Big Fight Amongst the Sparklies:

  • The language contains no two words meaning the same thing. Thus, unlike many other world languages, there are very few homonyms—the only ones being words that are pronounced similary but orthographically different. Mathewson has been a quest, however, to have them stricken from the language.
  • Further, there are no tenses, but rather new words for each tense. An example: the New Candianese conjugation (if one may call it that) for the verb "to have" involves some 12 different words (thus, for "I have" or "she had" or "they will have" requires a completely new word). Each is unrelated in spelling and wholly unlike others of the same root.
  • Like Latin, New Canadianese' nouns, adjectives and adverbs are all declined according to their grammatical function in the sentence. Unlike like Latin, however, there is no standard formula or method for ascertaining these declensions—instead, whole new forms of each word is used according to sentence.
  • There is no word indicating someone who is short in stature—what we would commonly call a "dwarf" or pejoratively, a "midget." Mathewson apparently decided to lump the term for a "rotting corpse" claiming it could also mean "dwarf." When a linguistics scholar pointed out to him that this apparently broke one of the prime rules of his language, Mathewson struck the man dead.
  • The language has more than 300 characters—some denoting simple sounds, some compound sounds, and some are complete words. By far the vast majority, however, are different verbalizations of the "sword[s] which [were] of the fibre of emitting light" or various sounds munchkins made upon dying at the hands of Mathewson.
  • New Canadianese is the only known language to utilize silent words. Listeners must rely on context to deduce a sentence's true meaning. There is no clear structure as to what types of words can be omitted, and as such, scholars have suggested that the rule was created so that Mathewson can never, as he once said, "screw a horse," which he later claimed meant, "be misquoted." Little was known about silent words until their significant use during Mathewson's 2008 presidential campaign.
  • A word will take on a new form depending on the speaker's audience. Unfortunately this is poorly documented by Mathewson. Scholars have determined that there are at least two variations, one for the feeble-minded, which borrows heavily from English and relies frequently on silent words, and another for those with a joinish heart.

German Dialect

New Canadianese, despite its status as the world's only perfect language, still suffers from regional dialects. The most prevalent, German (pronounced Grrr-min), takes its name from the German Garmin employees who were forced to use the language (or face a non-joinish end) after a hostile take over by the Doomsday Group. The most striking difference from pure New Canadianese is that the dialect prefers exact coordinates (usually in latitude and longitude) over the standard prepositions.


Reportedly, in 1979 Mathewson set out to compose a dictionary, but was sidetracked by the stellar movie "Back to the Future," which he watched 15 times in a row. His dictionary was left unfinished. Soon after, he was embroiled in Henson's Curse.